Live to Fight Another Day
by Blue-Eyed-Blonde90
Summary: Naomi visits Effy in hospital after what happened. Both girls are broken and take solace in eachother as their problems come spilling out. Can they really move on from here? Spoilers for ep5. Oneshot - Naomily, Freffy.


Hey eveyone! This idea struck me last night so I'd thought I'd write it down. Bascially it kind of puts a light on Naomi and Effy's friendship.

I'd always admired their friendship in series 3, even if it hasn't been that apparent this series. I think they're quite similar in personalities, so that's why they have this small kind of bond.

Hope it comes across in this fic. Don't forget to review at the end!

Spoliers for Episode 5, Rated T for swearing.

* * *

I pace past the room for what must be the hundredth time and stop just beyond it. This is ridiculous. I mean, she's my friend for Christ's sake. One of my _best _friends. Hell, of all the few friends I've had in my life she was one of only ones who fucking _meant_ something to me. Aside from Emily that is; although that relationship goes far beyond friendship.

She's lying in there right now after having gone through hell and back, miraculously _alive_ – and I can't even open the door. Coward.

I sigh. _Come on Campbell, you've got to get through this sooner or later. She needs you. You need her._

I wheel around and march towards the door, wrenching the handle open before I can back out again. The door flies open and I'm faced with a pale white room; just like every other room I've passed on the way here. The fact startles me slightly – Effy didn't do ordinary. The fact that she was here in this boring, desolate room struck me as odd. Yes Effy was somewhat desolate and mysterious at times – but that was what made her Effy. The Effy that rarely conveyed emotion. The Effy of calm and control. The Effy that harboured piercing blue eyes that could bore into the soul. The Effy that could speak volumes without saying a word. All these facts, combined with the depressing room, made it hard for me to actually _look_ at her. I mean, I knew she was there – I could hear her soft breathing. I just couldn't face the reality of her actually being here. In hospital. The fact that Effy was here –strong, stable, too cool for school Effy – meant that the world had ended. If Effy couldn't cope, then I had no fucking chance either.

I swallowed. I must've been standing there for a few minutes at least, staring at the far wall. I'm such a twat. _Just look at her. She's why you're here._ My lip quivers as I make myself turn around slowly. I squeeze my eyes shut at the last moment, sighing deeply, before fluttering them open. My heart stalls.

There she lay, all bandaged with wires and tubes sticking out of her from every angle and from god knows where. I never liked hospitals and now I remember why. I inch closer to her. She was asleep, breathing softly, her chest rising and falling. I smile. Despite the initial shock, I feel better now. She looks so peaceful. Truly peaceful. I'd always thought that Effy was free of stress whenever I was around her. I mean, who could keep a love triangle going on that fucking long without going mad from the guilt? But now I know from looking at her here that I was completely off. She looks so serene right now. Her pale skin glows from the lamplight beside her and although she looks quite weak and fragile, the comparison between the Effy before and now is overwhelming. And she isn't even awake yet. I scoff at the thought.

I sit down in a chair beside her bed, taking the opportunity to look around properly. There were a few vases of flowers set up around the room, along with several 'get well' cards on her bedside table. My eyes fall to a crumpled piece of paper beside one of the cards. I pick it up and see that it has been shaped into a – currently distorted – swan. I unfold it slightly and see some words sprawled through one of the creases_. Love you forever._ The corners of my lips pull up into a warm smile. Freddie.

"What, no flowers?"

The quiet voice startles me so much that I yelp, much to my embarrassment. I look up to a pair of dim blue eyes staring at me – dim, but with a familiar intensity. I smile as I compose myself.

"I think you're pretty set with the flora. Besides, I didn't think you'd like them" I say coolly.

Her mouth cocks upwards into a wry smile. "Thank fuck. I keep telling mum to get rid of them but she won't listen. Stubborn cow". I chuckle lightly. So, the cynical humour hasn't gone along with her sanity. Good to know.

"How...are you?" I ask stupidly, and curse myself. I was always so good at conversations. Yeah right. My eyes flicker up to hers and she blinks deliberately, her face surprisingly soft.

"Better" she says simply. "Could do without these tubes though, but they're precautionary. Keeps my fluid levels up as I...recover". She glances down to her bandaged wrist, her gaze lingering there. My heart twinges slightly, sympathetically.

I scoot the chair closer, concluding that she was safe (I know that's bloody ridiculous, but I wasn't sure what to expect) and reach my hand out and place it over her uninjured one. She looks at me with surprise before glancing down at our hands, then entwining her fingers with mine. I squeeze her hand tightly, taking comfort.

"Did it hurt?" I whisper, entirely serious. I look to her other wrist as I say it. I'd understand if she'd refuse to broach the subject of why she's here. It being Effy though, she doesn't shy away.

"Not really" she starts, considering the question. "I was kind of out of it at the time anyway, hyped up on fucking delusions, so when I actually _did_ it, it felt like I was...free". She smiles sadly at the sombre look on my face. "I'm only sorry that–" she chokes slightly, before swallowing, "Freddie had to find me" she finishes quietly.

I squeeze her hand, hard. "Don't be" I say strongly. "Never be sorry Eff. You can't help who you are. The important thing is that you're here and getting better. And Freddie? He fucking loves you Eff. He always will". Effy stares at me for a moment, before nodding slightly. Her eyes glint momentarily with that familiar Effy spark. The spark that defines her. And that's when I realise it. She's fucking head over heels. She's so far gone that it drove her to insanity. She cares as much about Freddie – if not more – as he does about her. A thought that I'd normally find hard to believe but now it's staring me in the face. And I fucking missed it.

I can't stop the tears as they suddenly and forcefully flow down my cheeks. I try to bat them away but fail miserably. I feel Effy's cold fingers on my face, wiping my cheeks, and my breath hitches. "Naomi..." she says gently, her thumb sliding across my cheekbone. It's the first time she's said my name since I arrived, a fact that only makes me sob harder. She still knows me. She still understands me. She's not gone – she's just sick. So she'll understand why I'm so torn up right now.

"I'm sorry Effy" I gasp, wiping feebly at my eyes. "I'm so fucking sorry".

"Don't be, everyone's allowed to cry – even if I never did" she says, chuckling ineffectually. I rip my hand from hers and curl it into a fist, cursing myself.

"You don't get it Eff!" I exclaim, startling her slightly, but I can't stop. "Here you are in the bloody hospital! You had a fucking mental breakdown and I had to find out from somebody else! Aside from Freddie I should've been one of the first to know. I mean, you were so _good_ to me all this time. You never judged me over Emily. You never tried to fucking patronize me when I was caught up in my own stupid problems. You were...there. Just...you were there." I pause to take a breath, while Effy attempts to get a word in. I don't let her though. "No, Eff. Don't. I'm a shit friend. I was caught up in my problems that were _my fucking fault_ and all I could do was feel sorry for myself. I'd no right. No wonder Emily can't stand me! I'm a joke for fuck's sake." I fall into a meagre silence, breathing loudly as the tears subside a little.

We sit like that for a few minutes until my breathing has steadied completely. Only then does Effy speak.

"Can I talk now?" she asks, exasperated. I nod weakly. She sighs. "Listen, Naomi. I'm not sure I'm one to be giving advice at the moment. I mean, I _am_ ready to be shipped to the loony bin after what's happened". She smirks, shaking her head at the thought, before continuing. "But just listen to this – you're human. You don't need to know every fucking thing that's going on with me all the time. Sure if you did I'm pretty sure I would've told you to piss off by now and to stop being so nosy". She smiles, and I actually feel myself smiling back. "I'm sick. You saw Freddie. He didn't know what to do with me. Talking about 'the end' and demons and shit doesn't exactly say 'be my friend'. But that's life. What happened happened. I can only try to move on now. I can only try to make it up to Freddie. If he'll have me." She slouches slightly, resting against her pillows. I suddenly feel embarrassed at exposing myself so much. I mean _she_ was the patient, not me.

"Oh god, I'm sorry Eff. I didn't mean to go all Oprah on you there. It just gets to me. Everything. My life's a fucking mess right now; even without the fact that my friend tried to do herself in and is in the hospital with depression." Maybe the last part could've been said less bluntly, but Effy didn't seem to care. Another thing I loved about her.

"It's okay" she says reassuringly. "Onwards and upwards, eh?" she says. I laugh.

"Yeah, definitely."

We start chatting properly after that. Lightly. Like we used to. No deep stuff is mentioned for a while and it's just...easy. I've missed this, I realise. I've been so busy thinking about Emily and everything going wrong there that I forgot how _fun_ it was to talk to Effy. But even though she had always been interesting to talk to, I definitely notice something different about her now. Her conversations could be quite cryptic and admittedly one-worded before this whole episode. But now she was talking freely – like a weight had been lifted. Like there's nothing holding her back anymore. I ask her something – I need to know why she's different.

"What was it like Eff?" I start tentatively. When she looks at me quizzically, I elaborate. "The hallucinations? The delusions? What did it, they...feel like?" She considers me for a moment, her eyes floating around the room. I wait patiently. Who knew if she even remembered? But it would be interesting to know what went through her head when she was on one of those mysterious spells. What really went on in Effy Stonem's head?

"It was scary, Naoms" she said eventually, her eyes dark. "Like, really fucking scary". I lean forwards and take her hand again as she mulls over her thoughts sombrely. "These pictures would flash up in my head. Faces. Skulls and weird shit like that. And they'd tell me to do and say things. Half the time I didn't even know what I was saying. Especially with Freddie. I'd have no clue what I'd have said and then next thing he's looking at me like I'm fucking E.T. or something. It's terrifying, not knowing what you're going to do next. And everyone else thinks it's on purpose, but they just don't know. They can't be controlled – the voices just get louder and louder until you can't fight them anymore. They take over you when you're vulnerable. That's why I was so bad around Freds. I felt so fucking weak around him – I just couldn't fight them anymore. I didn't _want_ to fight them anymore. I was happy. For the first time in my life, I was happy. So they took me". Her eyes were watering now, along with mine. I'd no clue it could be so frightening – how did she do it? She coped, when I knew I would be scared shitless in that situation.

"You know what Effy? You're bloody amazing". She glanced at me then, grimacing slightly. I brush a stray tear from her cheek. "I wish I was as strong as you. But...it's okay to be weak sometimes, y'know?" I say, finding truth for myself in what I'm saying. She nods slowly.

"I know that now. I just want to get on with things. Live my life. Smoke a fag; be able to have a fucking drink!" she exclaims suddenly, throwing her hands up animatedly, to which we both giggle.

"Ah it's not all it's cracked up to be. Alcohol's fucked up our lives enough already yeah?" I say, smiling.

She shrugs. "I suppose, but anything's better than the plastic they feed me here. I'd love a cheeseburger or something." We both laugh, before falling silent again. A nurse walks in and shuffles around, checking up on Effy's IV. I sit there and look at my hands as she's fiddling with the wiring – tubes and hospital equipment always kind of creeped me out. I only look up again when I hear her leave the room. Effy's smiling at me in a placating way.

"How's Emily anyway?" she asks suddenly, staring at me through hooded lids. I tense slightly. "I don't know, to be honest." I sigh. "We're still on bad terms." I run a hand through my hair, tugging in irritation. "I miss her. I fucking _miss_ her, Eff. And she can't stand to look at me or talk to me without thinking about what happened with Sophia. I don't know what to do". My head falls to the bed and I feel her hand on my head, stroking my hair. My eyelids flutter closed.

"It's not a question of what you _should_ do, Naomi. What do you _want?_" she states simply.

I pause. It was an odd, yet perceptive question. "I want_ her_." I say without a second thought. "I want her to be my girlfriend again so I can kiss her and touch her and _love_ her. And she won't let me do that. She won't let me make it up to her." I curse myself at how self-pitying I'm being again, but I know Effy will understand. She always understands – without saying a word.

"Well there's your answer then" she says plainly. I lean upwards, staring at her quizzically.

"What do you mean?"

Effy smirks in that oh-so-Effyish way and suddenly I forget that we're both sitting in a hospital room. She's just the same old Effy, with her cryptic one-liners and blank expressions. "You've got to stop over analysing things Naoms. You were always one to do that. Now I'm not saying I'm a perfect example of how to deal with things–" she gestures to herself feebly and giggles slightly, to which I smile sadly, "–but I don't think it's right to dwell on things that you can't control. What you did was shit yes," my lips purse into a tight line, but she grabs my hand kindly, "but who hasn't done shit things in their life? Look at me; I fucked over Cook and Freds time and time again. But Freddie gave me a second chance. And he made me happier than I've ever been. Ever. He still makes me happy. He's what's keeping me alive right now – I'm getting better because of him". I nod slowly, but my heart is clenching tightly at her words. _Keeping me alive._

"I love her so much Eff" I whisper, choking a bit. I clear my throat as her thumb slides over my knuckles. "She keeps _me _alive. She sees through me. She loved me despite the fact that I'm broken. I've never been able to trust just anybody. But I got scared. I felt trapped and lashed out in the only way I know how – by hurting her. I don't even know why I fucking did it honestly". I wrench a hand through my hair, my breath dry and crackled. She waits patiently as I gather myself. I swallow hard. "I don't know what to do to get past this. Emily's so fragile – she'll always remember this. It'll hang above our heads every time I do something wrong. Sophia will_ haunt_ me, us, forever" I murmur softly, shuddering at the hidden meaning behind the word 'haunt'. I hang my head, pulling my hand from Effy's. I start wringing my fingers, not sure of what else to do. I won't cry – I've done that enough already.

"She_ loved_ you? Past tense?" I feel her fingers under my chin suddenly as she coaxes my eyes to meet hers. She quirks an eyebrow. I'm puzzled by her question.

"Yeah...do you not get that Eff? She doesn't _love_ me anymore. How can she?" I say quietly. Effy shakes her head, smiling in a knowing way. I become inexplicably frustrated. What's so funny?

"What?" I ask, the frustration evident in my tone. "Did I miss something?"

She stares at me squarely and I twitch under her gaze. God, her eyes were always so powerful. I can sense that soul-searching feeling right now as she eyes me. "Jesus Naomi, I knew you could be a bit thick sometimes but this is bloody ridiculous." My mouth opens and closes like that of a fish's, but her hand simply moves from my chin to my cheek, stroking it lightly. "Emily loves you. She. Fucking. _Loves. You."_ My lip wobbles as her words sink in. She continues to hold my gaze with her piercing blue eyes, trying to make me understand. I just can't see it though...

"Bu–"

"No, Naomi. Listen. Everything Emily's doing now is because she fucking loves you. The ignoring, the anger, the lashing out, everything. All she wants is for you to _do_ something to show her that you love her just as much. Because you cheating doesn't exactly spell out 'I love you'". She cocks her head slightly, surveying my expression. I don't know what my face is like now to be honest; I'm frankly gobsmacked that _Effy_ of all people is telling me this. But somewhere deep down inside I know she's right. My eyes meet hers head-on and I can feel them watering again. God I feel like a fucking baby.

"I _do _love her though. But I'm scared Eff. I'm not sure I could handle her rejecting me again. It's too much. What do I do to show her I love her?" I stare at her, imploring her to show me the way. She must know what to do. Effy always knows what to do.

Effy smiles compassionately. She brushes a stray strand of hair from my cheek and tucks it behind my ear. "I can't tell you that Naoms. You'll just have to figure it out". She takes her hand away then and rests it on her lap, appraising me subtly. I nod, knowing that she's right. I _do_ have to figure this out. I owe Emily that much.

"Okay" I say simply and we both remain silent. I suddenly realise how drained I am from this visit. I've spent so much of myself into Effy. It can't be good for her to be talking this in depth while she's in the hospital. Almost as if reading my mind, she speaks up.

"We're like peas in a pod, you and I, Naoms. We're of the same place. I needed this too." The nurse walks in just as I smile in reply.

"Visiting hours are over. Miss Stonem needs her rest." I nod in compliance, before getting to my feet. My legs are surprisingly weak. I've left so much of my energy, of myself, here with Effy. Perhaps she feels so too, because she grabs my wrist as I make to leave.

"Come visit soon, yeah? And bring vodka". I laugh, leaning down to hug her firmly.

"I think that may be against hospital policy, Eff. But I could bring those flowers if you want?"

She makes a retching noise. "No thanks. Unless you want to bring them in a vase filled with vodka instead?" She cocks her eyebrow suggestively, to which I shake my head exasperatedly.

"And kill the flowers? You're unbelievable Eff" I say softly. She smiles slightly.

"So are you, Campbell".

I make my way to the door, glancing back one final time. She looks so small all of a sudden that I realise how human she really is. A human who can hurt and be hurt at the same time. She isn't invincible – a fact I was secretly glad about. "Hey Effy? I love you, yeah? Don't forget that." She nods imperceptibly, her face glowing. She doesn't need to say it back, I know she feels the same. So with that I turn and walk out the door, walking briskly down the corridors.

I feel noticeably lighter as I make my way outside. Free, as Effy put it. A weight had been lifted. That was the great thing about Effy – you could tell her something and she wouldn't comment or judge. She'd just listen as her eyes scanned you like an x-ray. But at least now she reciprocated – something about this new Effy seemed more open. I like it.

I pull out my phone as I stroll down the road, struck with a sudden inspiration. The phone rings endlessly, but I'll keep ringing if I have to. _Answer. Please answer. _The phone eventually picks up after two failed attempts. Playing hardball then.

"What?" she snaps.

I steel myself, not cowering away from her tone like she expects me to. "Can I come over, Emily?" I say promptly. She pauses and I can tell she's considering it.

"No. My family and I are about to have dinner and the caravan's quite cramped, y'know?" She trails off feebly, not doing very well in solidifying her lie. I nod to myself.

"Okay, Em. I understand" I whisper. "I just want you to know that...I-I-love you. I love you. A lot. And I'm going to do whatever it takes to make you see that. No matter how long it takes. Don't think for one second I ever stopped loving you. That's what's making this so fucking hard. So whenever you think about what happened, just remember that I'm willing to move past it. If you are. Because I miss us. I miss you." My heart pumps furiously as the seconds tick by. Say something_. Anything._

"I have to go" she says finally. The phone clicks and she's gone. I'm not surprised to be honest. It'll take her a while to trust me again. But Effy's right. Now's the time to _do _something instead of acting like a mopey, self-pitying cunt. I made my bed, now I have to crawl my way back in. My thoughts are interrupted by my phone vibrating in my hand. My hearts stalls.

_One new message from Emily._

I click 'open' with shaky fingers, half expecting the words 'FUCK OFF' written in capital letters. But I find my lips pulling up into a joyous smile as I read the message over and over.

_I miss you too. X_

I sigh happily. Maybe I had a hope after all. I had to put things in perspective. If Effy could survive the hell she's been through, then surely I can get Emily back. Life's too short.

I continue down the road with no idea where I'm headed. I just know that wherever I end up, things will eventually be okay.


End file.
